September 21, 2012

When heaven gains an angel...


I know I have been a bad blogger. It has been almost 7 months since my last post, and I have a good reason for that. Life just gets crazy. Not only did I get a new job, but this wedding has consumed me, which is a good thing. We are 15 days out, as of today and I couldn't be more excited.

Unfortunately the wedding is not the reason that brings me back to writing this post. Not many people know about it, but September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. For most people this month is overshadowed by Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October, which holds a big place in my heart, due to my aunt fighting and beating breast cancer twice. But, this month holds an extra special place in my heart, and as of last night it has never been more special to me and my family.

You see, my 11 year old cousin, Baillie, lost her 5 year battle with one of the deadliest childhood cancers, Neuroblastoma, last night. She was the strongest, most amazing little girl I have ever met. When my 33 year old sister was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer in 2009, who was the one person that told my sister to "stop being a cry baby"? That brave little girl, who had no hair herself, but always had a smile on her face.

My mom called me last night, "It's the end, B is going to be put on a drip, which puts her in a permanent sleep. She will slip away without any pain" and not even an hour later she called me again, "She's gone" and you know what I almost felt relieved, not because I wanted her to go, I didn't, but becasue she wasn't suffering anymore.
Since then I have had mixed emotions, I go from crying my little heart out, to being angry to feeling confused. I am not a religious person, and the reason why I am not, is I just cannot believe there is a god out there who would let such bad things happen in the world. My family has experienced more pain and loss than most families could ever imagine, and this just tops it all. I understand the world cannot be all sunshine and rainbows, and they say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle", I just wish he didn't trust us so damn much. I already have 5 angels attending my wedding, and this may be selfish, but I did not want a 6th one, I wanted that 6th one to be my flower girl instead, walking down the aisle in a white and navy blue polka dot J.Crew dress, holding a giant bouquet of baby's breath, smile on her face.

Now, I guess here I am supposed to say, I can't even imagine what her parents and siblings are going through, but interesting enough, I do. You see 2 of those 5 angels are my brothers. Yes, I have been in their shoes before. Albeit, I was much younger and didn't understand it as much as I do now, but I have experienced the pain of not having those important people there for the most important milestones in your life. I never got to fight with them, or call them to bitch about boys or mom and dad. Most importantly, I will never get to see them get married, and have babies. Would they have gone to college? What would they be doing now? How many nieces and nephews would I have?

Losing a loved one isn't the easiest experience to go through. No matter how many of them you have lost, it does not get easier, but it does help, to have your family and friends to help you through. Even if I am not religious, I still know that Baillie is in heaven watching down on us. God welcomed her home with open arms, and she finally got to meet her grandpa and big cousins, and I know for a fact, our great Aunt Alma, was so excited to see her again.

I know heaven has a special place reserved for these special kids, and they are well taken care of. I think the one thing that makes me feel at ease, is knowing that she is no longer suffering anymore. In heaven there is no cancer, and she is back to being that full of life blonde haired little girl, we remember.

To my family, no matter where life takes us, remember that beautiful little face, and know that she is always one step behind us, making sure we live our life to the fullest. She would not want us to be sad for her. Please keep a smile on your face and Baillie in your heart and understand that she is finally free from pain and suffering and is smiling down on us.

xoxo, Dani